I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
