we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
