she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
