He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
