I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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