Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
