I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
