i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
being pregnant is like rehab
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
