i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
