my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize