my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
