im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
