I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
