Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
