if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize