he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
