Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
