Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
