Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
