curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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