i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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