Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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