Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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