i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
