I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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