we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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