Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How does it feel to date your dad?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize