You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize