dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
