Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
