awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
