Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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