shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
