We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize