My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
