there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
then he tried to convert me to islam
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Mom said you looked used
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Randomize
