We're facebook friends in real life
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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