My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
