Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She told me I should be a condom model.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
