i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So apparently I’m into choking now
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