onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
