When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
