I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
