i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
