Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
