Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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