I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
