You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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