we're chasing vodka with high fives
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
