I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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