Me. At least after what I've been through.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize