The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
