my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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