drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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