Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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