life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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