That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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