i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
