I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
