thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
