is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
