So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
