Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
