Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
