My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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