1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my phone needs a breathalizer
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
